Deleted one and started anew

My “bah Humbug, not really” post got deleted.  I didn’t need to air that which I aired. Its been a tough few years for me, but my thinking I had let things get to me is a negative and I really didn’t let things get to me as much as I need to realize Christmas does not mean the same thing to everyone else. For years upon years, the folks I spent this holiday with did think like I did and did even more than I to help others. The holidays are such a positive time. I have always cherished the holidays, from my childhood all the way up to now. They haven’t always been good Christmas’s, like last year when I had the stomach flu and spent that time wrapped around the toilet.  But when they have been good – oh my what glorious fun times were had by all.   Some of the best childhood memories were sharing with my family & occasionally with grandparents or cousins and we would go door to door bearing small gifts to our neighbors. Some years, my Mom would bake little loaves of something, I don’t remember what, but I remember the time wrapping them with green or red cellophane. Another year she might make peanut brittle or cinnamon or wintergreen hard candies. Then she added a holly berry sprig to each and we kids went off the gift the neighbors.  As we got older, I remember dragging my feet to go to the gifting, but each time the very first person that got a gift reminded me what Christmas is really all about.

Remember the little gift baskets we handed out on May Day?  It was like a repeat of Christmas, just different decorations. And we did this for Easter, etc.  My Mom just did these kind of things… never expecting anything in return, just delighted she had made somebody happy.  We never thought of ourselves as rich or well off, so if we couldn’t do as much some years, we made our own cards to give out. It didn’t have to be much of anything, but the folks getting it felt it was special and that is what counts.

Off I go away from home, to school, then work, travel, and play for several years, then joined the military where I met this tall, dark and handsome man when we made rank together. That led to a marriage of 33 years.  Some of the years were spent making things for our friends and an occasional stranger. We traveled extensively, made friends across the world – many of which are still awesome friends.  We participated in many different cultures at Christmas time, such as in Germany, Britain, & Italy. Our lives intermingled, we felt as one. Then over time, we gradually grew apart. Not at all sure when, why or even what changed until I feared if I didn’t leave I would never leave. So this year, in March. I moved out to find Melinda. You see, the Melinda of old was gone. The person in her place was a shell of the former Melinda. And that shell was fractured badly. Everything I thought was real, turned out to be only one sided or didn’t exist. It is very hard to describe how I felt when reality slammed into me. It brought me to my knees.  Since then, an amazing bunch of friends in Alaska, as well as across the good ole U.S. of A. gave me hugs, supported me, listened to me, brought immense inspiration and knowledge that I could go on and I have.. I’m OK.  I learned I am not alone and that their is hope.

So here I am out in this big old world by myself, not even in my beloved home state of Alaska, feeling unusually grumpy, sad and alone… damn.  I was warned I would get lonely in this process of healing myself. I hadn’t been lonely until now.  Family has deserted me, or so it seems. New friends made, all have their own routines for the holidays, and many have family to go spend time with.  All that I have met are not alone for the holidays.  Well, I didn’t have to be alone, silly me thinking an invite would come in and I would have found a place for my cats and I would be gone. Alas, no invites came in.  I need to do this better. I’m not sure how I will change this in the future, but I now know I will make my own Christmas, I can no longer depend on anyone else. I need to figure out a better way to do it.  So…

This year, I got off my sorry ass of grumpy depressed mood and went looking to find Christmas.  I decided to visit each RV in this park and see if I could help with anything. Many of the places I sat and visited.. loved the stories shared. Some places I hung things or decorated or wrapped gifts for them. I also scratched their pets ears, even walked a few. Some needed groceries, I found someone to do that, as I do not have a car.  I did give one gift of a handwoven kitchen towel to a lady that had given up weaving to travel and live in her RV. It was a simple pleasure to gift that to her… All thanked me profusely for making their day and Christmas, but I have to say THEY made my day and my Christmas. It is the best Christmas I have had in years!!!!

So on that note, I want to wish everyone a very MERRY CHRISTMAS and HAPPY HOLIDAYS!

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